Can someone explain to me where people get their ego from and how it can be so solid and big and just THERE? How is it that even when other people try to explain another perspective, as objectively as possible, they still refuse to see how their actions could  be slightly and only a little wrong. If you get such a strong defensive reaction to your action, perhaps there was  REASON behind it? That from the other person's perspective, you were rude or insinuating something else and hence he/she was defensive?

Granted, one may not be able to see allllllll perspectives when one is pissed off. However, when a THIRD party explains other perspectives, surely you can't be so arrogant and decided in your views that you don't listen or even just accept the POSSIBILITY that you could have done something better and perhaps you didn't handle it as well as you think you did.

I just don't understand this behaviour and its one of my biggest pet peeves. Hell it downright pisses me off and you have a black mark in my list permanently. This is actually a problem I see in a lot of people. I may have ridiculously low self-esteem and almost no self-confidence but at least I can accept when I'm in the wrong or that I could be in the wrong or that I could have done something better. So many people just can't seem to. They just think they're right and that's the all and end all and that just PISSES. ME. OFF.

Okay so I just really needed to rant about this so that my brain is cleared and I can get back to work.
ARGGHHH SO IRRITATING AND ARROGANT.

sigh.

Okay, I'm aware that I'm not sober, which is probably why I'm thinking about this. I've had about three-quarters of a wine bottle, but NO I am not drunk. Thing is with me is that, if things aren't settled fine with me, eventually they crop up in my mind and plague me till I can either shove the thoughts away, or solve the issues.

I suppose I can attribute this latest bout of nostalgia to the missed call I received today and the conversation I had through text messages. I don't know if anyone will even read this blog post (I sincerely hope not) however, I needed to think outloud. At least since no one is answering my messages.

This is actually a story of my friend's. Or rather her dilemma. No one needs to know the details, because I'm just going to type here what I felt when she was telling me her story. Indignation, anger and for some reason I still understood. Even though I knew she was being ridiculous. I still got why it bugged her. You see, she had a long distance "thing" with this guy. It didn't last very long but it was her first "thing". After everything, including when she met up with him 6 months after she ended things to clear the air, she thought everything was fine and she was mostly indifferent towards him. However, something hurt. That something was when a mutual friend, told her through another friend that, apparently he had said that he was "never committed to her". Now, it was a "thing". According to many people, including those who said it was nothing. However, to her, it was something, especially since he said he loved her. He said it real soon too. After about a month of meeting her in person and 2 months of knowing her. Much sooner than she did. You see, to her, saying I love you is kind of a big thing. She emphasised on that. So she just cannot understand how someone was "never committed" to her and yet freely said those words. He could have been an "I love you slut"-Someone who just says it too soon, doesn't really know the meaning of the words. Which is still terrible. This I tried to reason with her.

She doesn't FEEL anything of that sort for him, just that it apparently bugs her that he could say such a thing to someone about her. Or that he might have taken it so lightly. Sigh. She'll get over it, I know she will. But man, wherever he is, I'd really like to give him a few punches where it'll REALLY hurt. What can I say? I'm a bit violent sometimes :)

-Shini

Okay, I probably have whined about this thing before but I need to do it again.

Just because YOU decided that oh, she's going to be a "godmother" to my kids, does not mean that automatically I have to LIKE her kids and enjoy spending time with them. The boy is alright, when he doesn't unnecessarily swear or is rude. You know its just the bravado and a front he puts up in front of the other kids. So he's fine.

But the GIRL.

I mean she's 10. So really I should just let everything slide. But oh my lord. She does not stop talking, and she's always talking about herself. The girl does ballet, and its really all she talks about. I mean she's quite good for her age and its brilliant she has something she's passionate about(though i just wonder if its just the pretty clothes and the attention she gets for it that she likes). But you just have to ask her once, to show something and she does the whole set. Shy she most certainly is not. The thing is, you can call her precocious I suppose? Except sometimes and more often I've noticed, she says things that have a bit of bite. Its subtle, but its most certainly there. And I just don't like that.

And because of all this, (at the minimum), I just do not WANT to spend any time with her, unless it truly cannot be avoided. At least at the parties, there are OTHER people to talk to, albeit usually from the ages 9 to 17. (if i'm lucky, the ones I really like talking to will come). But spending time, with just HER and my sister and HER mum, I just cannot see as a fruitful and wonderful way to spend my day. I don't like her and thus I do not want to spend time with her, AT ALL. The worst thing is that I can't even go somewhere, turn off my phone and escape the whole day because my sister AGREED to going for that fucking thing and because I can't be mean to my sister and saddle her with HER that I have to go. I don't know why my sister does not dislike HER as much as I do but who the fuck cares. I can't stand the child and I know its petty to complain about a kid. I swear though, its the obsession about herself and the things with bite that she says that gets on my fucking nerves. And I don't care that I'm being petty and childish.

I'm going to be sullen and in a bad mood and I don't care. and yes I'm throwing a fucking tantrum.

Hello hello!

Yes I know its been absolute AGES since I've blogged and yeah I've sort of slacked in terms of maintaining the original intentions of HAVING a blog. Truth is, I've just been a bit busy and (I don't know why I'm writing as if I'm talking to someone; no one READS this thing anymore) anyway, stuff's been going on.

Anyhoo, I was just thinking about a couple of things. I mean okay, I have had more than a few things on my mind, this is just whatever's at the top.

Mistakes. Everybody makes them, either consciously or unconsciously. They make them all the time. Thing is, when is the line where you can't forgive the mistake? When apologising and attempting to make up for it, just isn't enough? There's actually a legal definition of the word "mistake". I'm not going to go into the legal definition and the dictionary definition. Anyone can look a word up.

My question is, when is the mistake too big, that you can't ever take it back?

I was watching Bachana Ae Haseeno, and for those of you who don't want a spoiler, please skip this part. Raj leaves Radhika at the altar, too much of a coward to tell her that he can't marry her. Leaving someone at the altar, is absolutely terrible. Especially when you love the person, when the only reason for not marrying her is that you just don't want to be married. He goes back much later, to apologise and ask for forgiveness, and she initially does not. I don't blame her, that was an absolute awful thing to happen to anyone. Eventually she forgives him, because hating him has worn her down. For her own sake she forgives him. And mama was watching this movie with me and she mentioned something about mistakes as well. Like that even at work, her boss said something like "Everyone makes mistakes. But look at the kind of mistake that's made!" Some mistakes are too big to be forgotten and forgiven.

I suppose we have the law for the classification of mistakes. However, things like adultery is not punishable by law, though it is morally wrong. So what is the line then, where is it I mean?

Truthfully, I have no idea. This is obviously something that we decide for ourselves, whenever events happen to us. I suppose one way of looking at them is to think, " If I had made such a mistake, would expect to be forgiven? Would I be able to forgive myself?" I guess that's one way of figuring it out.

shini

I KNOW i'm a slob. I know that. The whole freakin world knows that. And you know, I'm perfectly aware of the fact that I'm not the only person living in the house. Really, I do know that.

But you know what, its MY stuff. Its messy, yes, but I know EXACTLY where everything is and even if I don't know exactly where it is, I know where I'd find it. Just because YOU like things the way YOU do them and much prefer not to see my mess, in MY room, doesn't mean you can move all my things around and not TELL me. And hey, even if you tell me and I say no, don't move my stuff, I need it there, I don't have time now to rearrange everything, you still don't listen and do it anyway. I know I'm supposed to be grateful and glad that now I have full use of my study table but frankly, I've always hated that table and I have stopped studying there. Its not conducive for me to study, I need space for the laptop and the books and its too high and cramped. I never sit there.

I'm sorry but I'm just not grateful for everything looking neat and tidy because I didn't put the things away. It may come as a shock to you but when I actually DO put things away, I take pride in doing it. I like knowing where everything I own is. I don't like you putting everything away, and Now I dont know where my stuff is. All the little things I want to keep, that I remember? You just throw. And its not fair. My WorldMUN stuff, I have no idea where it is. You said its up there. WHERE? I can't believe I'm upset about this but I am. When I do put my things away, I like doing it. I hate not knowing where all my things are.

Simply Rahat!

I always blog after a concert or something and that's not going to change.

I went for "Simply Rahat" a concert by Ustad Rahat Fateh Ali Khan at Suntec Convention Hall and BOY DID I ENJOY IT!!

It was so so awesome and what made it even BETTER was the fact that I knew almost all the songs that he sang! I was sitting there and I realised that a lot of the songs that I love, are sung by him. I just love his voice and what he can do with his voice and the fact that he does hindi film songs as well as Qawwali songs just tells you his amazing range of ability.

The set was extremely simple, just the stage with the musicians. Rahat and his backup vocals and the tabla players were all seated on carpets on the floor with the other musicians around them, either standing or in chairs. He didn't have like a fancy programme or whatever, it was just him singing the songs. What I loved was that after it was quite apparent that the audience was a bit sedate, he actually very politely told us that we're quite quiet and its nice for the musicians to hear response from the audience, so they know whether they're doing it well or not and I was glad because I didn't know what kind of a performer he was so I too as an audience member didn't really get into the full groove of it till he said that. After that, the audience was quite quite appreciative which I like. As I've said before, audience behaviour is a big thing with me and bad behaviour or unappreciative behaviour can ruin a night for me. He sang some of my absolute favourites like Main Jahan Rahoon, Sajda, and Dil To Baccha Hai Ji as well as O Re Piya. I was so happy he sang the Qawwali number, Mera Piya Ghar Aaya!

You can see though when he was singing the ghazals and the qawwali songs,that its more challenging but also that he enjoys it more than the hindi film songs. And when the performer is enjoying the performance itself, that too makes me happy! I mean he was smiling and genuinely having fun!

The only thing I regret is not being able to understand Hindi though because he did the ghazals and when he was singing them, like people were responding and Mama was laughing and enjoying it because she understood but I didn't so I just focused on the music part and not the words. So that did make me feel a little sad but Mama told me some of what he was saying so that was okay. I wouldn't say I'm a great expert on music but I like listening to it and I like to dance so music's important for dancing. So when he does those difficult bits in the Qawwali songs and ghazals, I'm genuinely impressed because I've never seen anyone do it so fast! I can't even imagine someone doing chakars to the beat he makes! *chakars: the spins in kathak* Sigh. I had a glorious time honestly, except the part where he was singing Mast Qalandar, the last song and like people were leaving, obviously because they heard Tere Mast Mast Do Nain. I mean yes it was past midnight but COMEON you already have to pay midnight charge, just stay for the last song proper and not OFFEND the artist! I can't stand it when people leave before the performer's done. Plus, the last bit was amazing and so fun because he was going so fast and it was so upbeat!

Sigh. ridiculous. and RUDE.

anyway, I'm quite tired but that's my gushing done about Rahatji's show.It was fun fun fun and my seats were pretty great considering the low price and hey, awesome vocals and technology means that I could hear EVERYTHING even though I was so far away so HA!

I'm so happy:)

shini

I know I haven't blogged in ages but its mostly because I didn't feel there was anything TO blog about. You'd probably know that if something was bothering me or if I was upset or pissed off, I'd blog about it to let of steam. However, things have been so so lovely that I didn't have to.

Well, not everything. But that's not my issue to tell or blog about so I'll just say that I'm there for my friend and I'll always be.

Moving on, I feel like I should at least briefly mention something about the new school year starting for me in a week's time. Its going to be my third year, (THIRD YEAR CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?) and I have quite a bit depending on it. Reason being that my CAP has to be pulled up from a 3.13 to a 3.5 by the end of my third year. I know I said I'd be okay if I didn't do honours but honestly, who are we kidding? I'm SCREWED if I don't do honours and I don't just mean at home. If I want to work in ANY ministry, or government institution, I'm going to need that bloody honours. Yes it calls for another year of paying fees but hell, I need to do it. Thing is, if I need to pull up my grade so much, and its been so dismal for so long, I need to like get all As for all my modules this sem. And surprise surprise I have to be doing a stats module as well as one on international political economics. In case you didn't know (this blog was after the horrible year of 2008), econs is not my best subject. I failed for 2 years doing it in jc and through a tuition teacher and a helluva lot of writing, as well as some praying and a bucket load of luck, I somehow managed the miracle of getting a B for it in A levels. Doesn't sound like much I know but for me, changing the U to a B, IS a miracle. So anyway, the damn subject caused me much stress and pain for the whole 2 years I was studying it.

And now, through some persuasion from my friend, I WILLINGLY choose a module with the word economics in it, a level 3000 module, in the semester that I have to DO UNBELIEVABLY WELL IN. Sigh. Why did I do it? Well, I had looked at my other option, Human Rights and Ethics or something like that, and checked out its exam paper and needless to say, the economics paper seemed a lot more do-able. Lord, I really hope I kick myself in the ass and do well this semester. I HAVE to be a hermit and not go out and do all my readings because I'm doing ALL level 3000 modules. The thing is, some of my close friends are finally coming to NUS and I want to hang out with them there. And yes, I'm going for Bollyfest. And yes, a close friend is coming down late August and I want to go out with him too. And yes, my best friend said I should really go back to Bollywood dance (if they'll have me) and do that too. So how? Well I guess that means a real cutback on all the other things. I'm GOING to do this, because I have to and because I need to and because I BLOODY WELL CAN. I've basically slacked off for 2 years in NUS and I really should stop now. One year doesn't sound like a lot of time to pull up my grade, but I'm going to at least TRY.

Okay I don't know how this became a ranting session because I was supposed to talk about how excited I am to go back to school and start my good-girl campaign and read and do my work. And also the fact that there's a STARBUCKS on campus makes my life infinitely more awesomer(since I've been asking for it since school STARTED for me) also makes me excited. Finally, just seeing my school friends, learning, participating and making new friends make me excited, especially with my own personal campaign. Oh, okay see, I did manage to say what I'm excited about. Sigh. Well, I think that's enough for now. I have something else to rant about but , this isn't supposed to be Rants of a Hormonal Person is it now? Okay, I'm going off, don't want to be late. Ciao my bellas and keep smiling!

love,

shini