the future?

I've been feeling a little depressed lately. And its got to do with the fact that I had chosen to do Political Science as my major. I mean I haven't actually declared but everyone goes into uni, with some idea of your choice of major and mine was PS. However, now when I'm actually DOING the module, as in the intro module, I feel like I'm not good enough to do well in it. I feel I'm not good enough to do ANY module for that matter. I'm not confident of ANY subject and I just don't feel good enough. And that's frustrating you know?

I don't like feeling this way and yet I can't DO anything about it. I'm trying to write my PS essay draft and whatever I HAVE written, somehow looks so juvenile and "small girl". I feel like the information's wrong, the tone seems tentative and I don't really know how to correct it. And while I'm writing, I have to remember to put in the right citations at the right junctures. AND think of examples too! I mean this will be my term essay, so I gotta do well in it, but I just don't see that happening. I hate that my self-esteem seems non-existent, or at least the level seems so low it can't even BE SEEN but I don't know how to pull it up. And nobody likes a sad low, constantly demeaning herself person. Its extremely unattractive. So I try to put up a fake persona, that's confident and apparently, it works, but its harder and harder to put up every time. I hardly EVER have good, real, confident days and its not like self-esteem is only attributed to this feeling of not being smart enough either. Lots of things affect self-esteem; don't get me STARTED on my appearance! I really gotta stop whining on this blog, cuz then people ( the few who regularly check it out) will stop and that doesn't do ANY good for said self-esteem. I think I'm gonna shut up now and TRY and finish fleshing out my draft as well as putting in the citations. Tomorrow I'll edit and put the citations in-text. Gonna go now and well, bye

a sad sad shini