First of all, i don't care that i'm writing everyday. People can make fun(you know who you are), but i don't CARE.
Anyway, moving on...i just realized today that, my results are supposedly coming out next week. March. Before today, whenever i thought of results, and the possible outcomes, i panicked, and i mean REALLY panicked. There were tears, strange dreams(don't even get me started on that), and wailing. My mum had told me that if i don't do well enough to get into any of the 3 Unis, i'd have to retake. it was the idea of having to retake that caused the panic attacks, instead of the idea of not getting into uni. Even now as i type, my hands are sweating. I simply CANNOT redo my A levels. Right now, i can't remember a single thing from any of my subjects. I suppose i could easily solve this problem by just taking out my notes, and reading them through. But then, i'd have to FIND them first. And can u imagine re-doing A levels? The experience was so horrible that i wouldn't want to go through it again. And this time, it would be worse, because i wouldn't be in school, i 'd see all my friends move on, and the thought of failing again would be hanging over me.

I probably should be typing all this, because i'm getting more and more nervous as i write it out. I can almost FEEL the tears forming. So i should stop thinking so negatively, or just stop thinking about results in total. Except i can't. Right now, my life is kind of on temporary hold till this big announcement of the outcome of my efforts from last year. The tears have gone, but the eart is still beating fast. Too fast. (dramatic post i know, but i can't help it) It's like now, i'm just holding it all in, till that moment. A sort of strange, forced calmness has settled. It's not resignation,; that whatever happens, happens, which is what my mother feels. To her, she's not worried, because she DID do her A levels twice, while she was working too, so she thinks i'll have no problem re-doing it too.(TOUCH-FREAKING-WOOD) She doesn't seem to realise that it's not the same for me.
Okay, i'm trying to resrtict the length of my posts, cuz i can get long-winded. Plus, this subject is just not good for my mental health. I wish i had something to do during the daytime, so that i don't have to fret constantly about march, but i don't. Tv and the computer only go so far and then i'm left with my thoughts, which right now is just awful. Thank god for my part-time job at night, otherwise i don't know what i'd do.
okay, enough! I'm stopping right here, because, i don't think i should dwell on this any longer. I'm going off to cheer myself up and push this ticking bomb away into a tiny compartment in the filing cabinet/chaos that is my mind.
Note: A good remedy for anxious, depressed teens awaiting exam results, is a comedy, preferably in plural form. Recommended by patients(actually, just one): Darshini "ITS THE ONLY THING THAT CALMS ME DOWN!!!"

ciao babes
(You know i think i may actually be going a little crazy. Then again, it may not be a bad thing. Always livens up a party.)

shini